when you wake up one day and realise your dreams of the future (which is now your present) and your true reality crash?
You realise they do not match up.
Some things are better than you hoped
but then
there are things that are not at all the way you envisioned them to be.
~Sigh~
Life can be so messy and hard.
I am not the person I thought I would be.
I am not the wife I thought I would be.
I am not the mother I thought I would be.
I am weak, fearful, tired, a doubter, a run-away-er.
Did I already say weak and fearful? I guess I did. Well double it. Double everything.
To be totally humble, and maybe face judgement from those who are not as weak as I am I will share I took a 'vacation' from the home this past week.
By vacation I mean a 'Tina blows her top and runs (yes,like runs away) to a hotel' kind of vacation. At least I ran away before I blew more than just my top. Good thing 'cause for a few moments it could have gone either way.
Those who really know me can (with my blessing) insert an eye-roll about now.
I love you that you know me, you eye rollers, 'cause you know me, the real me, and yes you know this will pass. You know how I tick!!!
Anyway,
It was just a hotel down the street. Joel and Lily went with me and I had a few visitors looking for some quiet-ness and maybe better food than dad's lentil soup experiment. Never-the-less, it still was running away.
That's it.
My mess.
Messy me.
I am not quite sure what made my top blow like it did.
I really think it is a few things going on in this head of mine.
I fear getting older. I mean really really fear it.
So many things come along with getting older. Things like the kids growing older. Elena you CAN NOT turn 18. I forbid it!!
Getting older means my baby-less season of life has seemed to knock on my front door. I forbid that too!!
Getting older means looking older. Forbid!!!!
Getting older means more time to experience hard issues.
I am also mad that I seemed to have gone backwards not forwards in my walk with God.
Ok and the shallow me hates that I am not small anymore.
A weak,'fraid-y cat who just can not at times, especially lately, trust God's wisdom in my life.
~sigh~
Warmly,A Patchwork Mommy
Thank you for your honesty...
ReplyDeleteI may have been heard saying today, "I just do not want to do this anymore," in reference to our toughest child. My thoughts are not loving or kind.
Blessings and strength,
Summer
You know we all blow our tops and run, it just looks different for each of us. Last year when Allie was a Senior and I knew that my mini best friend was going to leave, I was down right irrational. That alone in your life is enough to push you over the edge. No one prepares you for that. Then with all of the other things in life. I'd say you were due. Last week I felt like running, maybe just out for coffee with a friend but nevertheless running. But of course now is a stressful time for Mike so I can't, you know how that is when we aren't allowed the run even when we desparetely need it. But I am hopeful for a date this weekend. I pray that your relationship with the Lord flourishes because of this trial. If we grow from it it was worth it.
ReplyDeleteYour Friend,
Jeannie
P.S. you don't have to post this.