Now, Who Is That Crazy Woman...

Now who is that crazy woman running down the highway? Oh, it is just Tina Frye...again.

I pondered for a little while if I should post this little window into the life of me.My hesitations are pride,embarrassment,being majorly misunderstood and judged.Well, I guess I have never claimed I had all my ducks in a row or for that matter all my wits about me! Those who know me well enough know I'm missing quite a few of those marbles I'm supposed to have but I know I'm missing even more than you think!You will soon read why.

I have ALWAYS been a slight perfectionist,in my mind things are all or nothing, and a very insecure person.I would be the type of friend others might categorised as high maintenance.I am one of those people who wants to be liked so much I will sway this way and that just to be a part of things.

I accepted Christ as my personal savior in 8th grade not for fear of being separated from him for eternity,or because I was distraught over my sin.It was because of my intense need to be important and valued by someone,to be significant,to not be invisible,to know that my very life on earth was for a purpose,that I was not a waste of space or a mistake.It might sound real selfish but at the time those were all things I thought I was.

Now I have heard that sometimes when a person accepts Christ they are delivered at that moment from a particular bondage that holds them so firmly in its grasp and they no longer struggle with that particular bondage of sin any longer.Maybe,drugs,depression,eating disorder,anger,That did not happen to me.I did develop a huge hunger for God,I wanted to know everything about him.I knew that my life was not my own, but God's.But I still struggled greatly with insecurity,the very thing that brought my on my knees before Christ.Over the years I thought maybe I really was not saved,but my hunger for God was so deep and strong only Christ living inside of me could ever explain that.

Now it is ...26+ years later and the weaknesses are still there.My love for Christ is still there but it seems to be clouded with the confusion of living the 'right' way for Christ.Raising our kids the right way,being the right kind of wife,etc...
I would say the biggest secret in the Frye house is that I feel I am not doing things the 'right' way.If we did things right ,wouldn't our teens be a blessing to be around most of the time,they surly would not talk back to us disrespectfully or pick on each other until there are tears.My three year old would not be throwing himself on the floor in tantrums at least a few times a day.If I was the right kind of wife wouldn't my husband and I be best friends most of the time and living in harmony more often.If I was doing things right the way God wants me to wouldn't raising 14 children bring me continual fulfilment and joy?Surely I would not feel the weight of others judgment if I were doing things right.Hmm..

Well,so there I was..my bags packed with little Lily and myself off to start our own life where I wouldn't fail so much.I'm not teasing this really happened just this week.The humbling thing about my running away is

1. I do not drive so Jeff and the kids have to drive me to my run away destination

2. I had only 35$ of money (and no credit cards in my name because I tend to overspend,wise choice except when I am running away) so Jeff has to go into the hotel and make my reservations for me and get the cash so I can eat while I'm running away.

3. The hotel is booked so I can only run away for two days

Well,I'm back from running away.The kids just thought Lily and I were having a fun vacation.Sadly (or maybe not) I'm still going to fail,need God's constant reassurance that I'm OK and that his love for me is not based on my performance here on earth.Even if I MAJORLY mess things up by not doing things the 'right' way with being a parent or wife,God will be so faithful to take care of all of it and make it better.

The verse that I thought a lot about during my running away episode was this:


For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.
I Corinthians 1:17

You might be wondering what this verse has to do with all I've wrote up til now.Well,I'm not at this moment preaching the Gospel like Paul when he wrote this to the Corinthians,I'm just living my life.But could it be that I'm very fortunate to be so weak and a mess most of the times so that there will be no mistaking God's power in my life?All these years of struggling with the very things that brought me to my knees before Christ.All the feelings of failure that I was trying to run away from this week,maybe it is better than if I was delivered from this weakness years ago.Just maybe...