...and like most of my other rambling thoughts today's will make very little sense so don't worry if you leave my blog scratching your head not having the faintest idea what you just read.It is my husband's daily experience after listening to me but what a guy to actually sit and listen anyway.
Here goes...One might make the conclusion that a mom of 14 would have an easier time setting her own life aside for those around her.Well,I would have thought that but here I am the mom of 14 and I find that I am more selfish than I have ever been.I am not sure if it is because I feel I have less to hold on to so I grab on to what I can of 'me' of I was always selfish but it was easily hidden and having the 14 is bringing out a lot of the deep ick in my life.I think there is a case for both.
I sometimes feel like the rich man who came up to Jesus asking for eternal life.Jesus told him to follow the laws which the rich man said he did so then Jesus told the man to sell all he had and come follow Him.The man walked away sad because he was a man with great wealth.Although my eternal life is secure because of Christ's death on the cross,I can still feel that maybe I am holding on to too much of 'myself' and that hinders God from doing so much more.That my will is hindering God from doing His will in my life.
I was thinking today,what would it feel like to just fully let go...let go of all the things that I hold on to.The list of things might seem silly to others but God knows the things that I hold on to.Some are material,some are 'rights' I think I have.I wish I was at that point in my life.
In my mind fully letting go is like not knowing how to swim and Jesus being in the middle of the pool asking me to let go of the side and swim towards him.Did I mention the water is in my opinion feeling real cold and scary.It seems silly to actually write that I do not trust God enough to let go of the side of the pool.That I might not really deep down believe Jesus has a better plan that I do for my life.That if I really lay my life down in front of the feet of Christ,He will pick it up and give me so much more in return.
What God is doing with such a rebel like me I have no idea.I'm just glad he is willing to sit in that pool waiting for the day I let go of the side not growing tired and impatient of me.I'll do it.I'm just afraid,but I will do it.
What do you think of those rambling thoughts?I will say that my rambling thoughts come at the heals of me being extremely selfish today.Good thing most of you do not live down here in Waseca.I am sure the muck that oozed from this house ( ok from me.I was just in the house as it oozed out) would have taken down anyone in its path.Jeff and the kids ran for cover but not quick enough...
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