When I was in high school, our graduating class took a trip to Somerset, Wisconsin, to go tubing down the Apple River.
I was very painfully shy and a total dork in high school. Ok, yes also in every preceding grade. I think I was semi cool in college, though. Not totally sure, but pretty sure. Anyway, I dreaded this trip but for some reason I also really wanted to go. Maybe, I thought, for the day I would magically be less shy and less dorky? Maybe the murky waters of the Apple River would transform me into someone awesome just for a little while? I did think that. Luckily, there were a few girls I was friends with since 7th grade who let me tie my tube to theirs' and float along with them. It was a fun time. There was no dorky girl/cool girl transformation but it was a fun time.
At the end of the ride, there is the choice to get out of the river or go down the rapids. For some CRAZY, INSANE reason I thought I would untie my inner tube and continue down the rapids even though my friends chose to get out before the rapids. The next thing I remember was my tube flipping over and I thought I was drowning. I then remember being grabbed by my neck and someone shouting something like, "just stand up!" I did and noticed the person who saved me was still in his tube and grabbed me as he happened to be floated by. I realized I was only in water not even passed my knees. I am pretty sure I was not drowning or even in any real danger at all. I got out of the river and life went on. Nobody said a word to me. I am not sure anyone really noticed. I think that gave me some comfort but also made me sort of sad. I held my own private Queen of Dorkville coronation. I reigned as Queen for a while.
I thought of my tubing story yesterday as I was running through this past week's difficulties over and over in my mind. The issues that I was faced with while Jeff was gone were real. Just like those rapids were real. I thought back and there were two ways I could have handled the issues, pretend not to see them or stand face to face with them. Just like the rapids, get out before, or continue on. Ignoring the issues really would have been easier and kept peace around here. But for some CRAZY, INSANE reason I started down those rapids! I thought that overlooking the issues would have been the better choice because things did get pretty messy. But I down deep really did not think that. My mom love would jump off a cliff for these Frye kids, run into a burning building, and even go down those rapids. Wouldn't we all do that for our children?
I was counseled by a friend when we had to make another hard parenting decision a few years ago with another child. That decision was a zillion mountains higher and way harder than what I faced this week, just to put things in perspective. This past week's issues were major but still minor in comparison. Anyway, he said that that one decision we made probably would not change that child's heart. He said God could do a miracle but most likely that one decision would not do it. I am not sure if he was suggesting we should overlook and love or just cautioning us to not get our hopes up if we hold the line we had already drawn. We stayed the course with our decision, anyway. He was right as far as I can tell. We drew a line and it did not change the child's heart. There was not a melted heart of repentance nor the desire to reconnect. It only seemed to feed the bitter seed that had already taken root in the child's heart. I still stand by the choice we made despite the outcome so far. It just broke a part of my heart clean off.
Ever since then, I have been inwardly very afraid to go down the rapids (the parent kind). I have done it since but, there is always a huge fear. There I was this past week, with my inner tube untied needing to make a fast parenting call. I chose to go down those rapids and I thought that once again I was drowning. It was messy. I was very worried. How I love this child. I am SO, SO thankful for this child's heart. True repentance was shown, forgiveness given, consequences accepted. Things are dealt with now and life has moved on. Jeff was filled in on the drama and maybe secretly glad that it was on my watch and not his.
So here I am today. Reflecting. Breathing. It took until today for me to hear that shout, "Just stand up!". I am pretty sure God had been shouting it for a few days now. I was just afraid to get up. Ha ha. I did finally stand up and the water is only about knee deep. I think I really was drowning this time but God was very gracious to me.
He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.
~Psalm 18:16
Warmly, Me
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