Aren't they pretty.
I was trying to be all artsy with my photography.
On to some rambling!
Want to hear a truth that you might not hear many others talk about?
I am afraid to get old. Very afraid. I have to be honest and say that since I hit 40(I'm 42 now) it has been something I think about quite often. Not in the 'I can't get out of bed because I'm so afraid' type of thing but I do think about it often. Ok maybe there was a day or two that I highly considered pulling the covers over my head for a bit longer.
Some days I think I can actually hear time as it fly by.
Maybe it is having a 16 year old as well as a two year old.
Maybe it is knowing my body is heading into a different season of life. A season I feel so ill prepared for and afraid to face.
Maybe it is because I remember my parents very clearly at the age I am now. My mom was 40 when I graduated from high school and my dad was just 43.
It could be that because I have a toddler I rub shoulders with mothers 10-15 years younger than I am who are just starting their families. They have so many fresh dreams and ideals that I have had but somewhere along the line set aside for things more realistic.
Maybe it was because my two oldest are closer to adulthood than I want them to be. Of course, we will not be empty-nesters for 18+ years but still...
I often wonder why I do not run across many Christ following wives and mothers who talk about what it is like to face their 40's. I have heard that the 40's are the new 30's but gee being in my 40's is like...being in my 40's. It does not resemble being in my 30's at all.
Don't get me wrong.
I desire nothing other to be right where I am in my life. That is not the issue. I do not wish I had less children or that I could be 'free to be who I was meant to be'. Even if I was in my 20's and God laid out a slew of lives I could choose to live I would still choose this one.
I love having my teens around me. I love watching them grow in maturity and make adult decisions. I love having my toddler around. I could stare at her for hours just watching her do her little toddler things. I do that to my teens as well but Elena says it bothers her. I love all the different stages my children are in right now.
What I dwell on is the fear of the unknown. The fear of letting go of what is familiar so God can move me forward to what lies ahead. Make sense?
Hmm...I guess my post here is not really going anywhere. Just my own blah blah rambling. I do have two verses that I have been thinking about in regards to my 'Help Lord,I'm getting old!' issue.
But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.
Hebrews 6:18-19
So what I am thinking is that aging is just one more thing that I need to walk through by faith. Faith that God knows so much more than I do about what lies ahead.I have been through many moments in my life where I thought I could not see my hand in front of my face but I walked forward holding onto the one thing I know for sure was there: God's loving hand. I can do that...I think I can anyway.
Warmly,A Patchwork Mommy
Hi Tina,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to everything you said. I just left a long comment and it got erased. I'll try again. One of the benefits to getting older is that you truly become the person you are meant to be. The best part is that you can be part of any group, but you don't need to be just like them. I didn't feel like that in my teens, 20's or 30's. I always felt like there was something wrong with me if I didn't agree with people or felt differently. Now I am fine with myself and my own opinions. If someone doesn't like me because of that, it is their problem, not mine. I'm O.K. with that. Those younger moms may think that diapers and pacifiers are a big problem in their lives. That is probably true at the time, but they always say "bigger kids, bigger problems". It isn't that the problems necessarily are that much bigger, but we can't fix them as easily when they are older. Hurt feelings and rejection are much harder to fix than a wet diaper or a skinned knee! Cheers to becoming our best selves in 2011 and getting one more year older and wiser!!
Love, Sandy
Thanks Sandy. I think what you write is true. I do feel a little more sure of things now. Not working so hard to prove myself, although I still get wigged out over what others think of me sometimes. I wonder if more people think of this stuff but are just afraid to talk about it. Jeff does not think of things like this. Getting older does not bother him much at all. I wish I was more like that. Gee, I should have mentioned this when you were visiting this past fall. We could have had a good talk. This is like a sister talk. I really really appreciate it! Yes, 2011 is a year to look forward too!
ReplyDeleteLove,Tina